Fartknockers

I was going to keep this story under my hat, but since TV Joe has told just about everyone, I better document it, because it leads to much funnier things. Hang with me.

About a month ago, Preston and I were in the car going to get Bergen. We were still in the neighborhood when I hear him say "dammit". (notice how I take the less offensive spelling...he's still my baby) I slam on the brakes, swing around and say "hey, did you know that's a bad word?" His eyes got really big as he said "no"...so I say "ok well now you do. Don't say it again, ok? That's a cuss word and I'll have to wash your mouth out with soap if I hear it again." Part of me is alarmed. He's 7 years old and uttered his first curse. But I remember learning the "f word" in the 2nd grade, so I blow it off, hoping he's learned his lesson. Let me just add that he didn't hear it at home, okay?! I may not be a perfect parent, or a perfect person for that matter, and I'm not saying I've never used the bottom of the barrel vocabulary, but we do keep it clean around the kids. I can't say the same for prime time TV. Since he won't fess up to where he learned this word, I'm going to blame The Biggest Loser.

Flash forward 2 weeks. I go to get Preston at school, get him in the car to learn he got a red at school. Red = really bad day. I ask for his folder, proceed to look at the conduct sheet to see that my dear, sweet 7 year old boy uttered the same word at school. Oh. No. First month of school and we've been branded *that* family. Great. So I haul his little tail home, where I give him a spanking. I then drag him to the bathroom, where I washed his mouth out with soap. Yes, I know - how very "A Christmas Story" of me. I explained that I had to clean his mouth since it was dirty from using a dirty word. Don't worry I used pure and natural soap. So then I told him to get back in the car. I hauled him back to school. When we pulled up, he says "what are we doing?" and I said "you need to apologize to Mrs Schultz. But first, let's ask Jesus to forgive you - get on your knees and pray." At this point, I was about in tears because his little prayer was so sweet and sincere. "Dear Jesus, I'm so sorry for saying that word again. Please forgive me. I'm so so so so so so so so sorry!" He was crying, and I was proud. So we went to see the teacher, where he apologized, and I learned that Mrs. Schultz is full of grace and I can only assume a child of God based on her treatment and sweetness with Preston. Well that, and she has a cross hanging in her room. She told him she forgave him, but it wasn't okay that he said that word. He needs to learn self-control now that he knows a word that he shouldn't repeat. Clever lady. You know I had to add "you've never heard mommy or daddy say that word, have you" to which he thankfully said "no". Gotta show the teacher a call to CPS was not needed. I think he learned his lesson because he hasn't said it again. And he makes me change the channel when bad words are spoken (like the one he said, or stupid, idiot, etc...thankfully he has not learned the really bad ones yet.) So that means no more Gilmore Girls while Preston's around.

So fast forward to last night. We have the Verizon dude coming to install stuff today, so of course I had to clean the house like the Queen of England was going to show up. Preston was in the shower, and I was vacuuming while Bergen followed me, causing damage along the way as usual. He's in what I call "dump and run" phase where he dumps things out, then runs off. Preston's legos were on the table and while my back was turned, Bergen climbed up to grab and smash. I quickly go to pick them up because, well, they are small and annoying and can go down a toddler's windpipe in an instant. That, and Preston would FREAK OUT if he saw it. I'm so frustrated by legos. I swear, they are all over my house. As I'm picking them up, I feel one of those cuss words brewing in my mouth. Instead, I said "fartknockers". Yes that's right, I said fartknockers. Don't judge okay? It's all I could think of. The second it came out of my mouth, Bergen repeats "fartknockers fartknockers fartknockers." Not in regular Bergen voice, but in his hilarious Cookie Monster voice. Hilarious. Can't wait to hear from his daycare teacher.